( no, he doesn't remember any of it. he's heard the cliffsnotes but even that isn't particularly close to really living it. hearing she'd been poisoned by the Hand could never be as real as living it. praying over her with bloodied hands, petrified of the prospect of losing her, even after trying to keep emotional distance. just like he'd done here, and without the pressure of life and death between them, it'd certainly taken longer for his hackles to lower and his defenses to fall.
it'd never really been an if. more a matter of when.
he closes his eyes, a momentary flash of unhappiness, at the simple correction. he'd told himself for years now that she left because she'd never loved him. there's a terrible bitterness to the idea she'd loved him and still left. after enough months, he'd stopped waiting, stopped hoping — because if she'd never loved him anyway, why would she ever have cause to come back? knowing that she loved him once, loved him still, and that she still chose to stay away burns. )
I remember what it's like to love you. ( he may not have lived through everything she did, that's a fact. but not remembering it doesn't really change how he feels about her, either. ) I don't think I ever stopped. ( as much as Matt would have liked to convince himself to the contrary, the proof is in how easily he's fallen back into the same steps. how terrifying he found the concept of losing her all over again. the way it ached to press his palm against the injury that killed her, the one she'd gotten protecting him. hell, the fact her leaving hurt him at all — he's lost so much he expects it, he's numb to it. he wasn't numb to losing Elektra, that's for certain. all of it tells him what he's tried so hard to ignore, and there's just... no ignoring it anymore.
or, more accurately, maybe he just doesn't want to ignore it anymore. )
no subject
it'd never really been an if. more a matter of when.
he closes his eyes, a momentary flash of unhappiness, at the simple correction. he'd told himself for years now that she left because she'd never loved him. there's a terrible bitterness to the idea she'd loved him and still left. after enough months, he'd stopped waiting, stopped hoping — because if she'd never loved him anyway, why would she ever have cause to come back? knowing that she loved him once, loved him still, and that she still chose to stay away burns. )
I remember what it's like to love you. ( he may not have lived through everything she did, that's a fact. but not remembering it doesn't really change how he feels about her, either. ) I don't think I ever stopped. ( as much as Matt would have liked to convince himself to the contrary, the proof is in how easily he's fallen back into the same steps. how terrifying he found the concept of losing her all over again. the way it ached to press his palm against the injury that killed her, the one she'd gotten protecting him. hell, the fact her leaving hurt him at all — he's lost so much he expects it, he's numb to it. he wasn't numb to losing Elektra, that's for certain. all of it tells him what he's tried so hard to ignore, and there's just... no ignoring it anymore.
or, more accurately, maybe he just doesn't want to ignore it anymore. )