( of course he’d reflexively tell her he’d moved on. that he was perfectly happy in the life he’d built without her. doesn’t exactly make it true. and to be fair Matt was moderately happy in his fairly nice apartment with a blossoming legal practice with his best friend. he’d also been living a double life, maybe half a life — hiding he who he was because he more or less knew that the friends he’d grown so attached to couldn’t or wouldn’t accept who he really was. he moved on, that’s a fact, he had little choice in the matter.
that didn’t mean he could just turn off all the emotions left behind. that accepting she was gone meant suddenly everything he’d ever felt for her would disappear. he kept moving, as he always did, though it was a detached existence. from the world, and even from the people he cared about most. )
Seeing you like that, I think it’s the most scared I’ve been since I was a kid. ( with him, but at the same time so far away. hurt, terrified, and the chance that he couldn’t reach her seemed so vast. even once she’d started to calm, that horrible ache lingered, a reminder that couldn’t be pushed aside. ) I don’t know what happens tomorrow, if either of us have much longer here. If next time it isn’t hallucinations but something worse and something real and I can’t protect you from it.
( his hands knot into fists and slowly but surely the calm is seeping away. Matt doesn’t talk about his fears lightly, if at all. it takes a lot to get him to admit them, but finding her on his doorstep tearful and terrified is proof that he is frightened to lose her, even at the uncomfortable distance he’s been enforcing. )
I’m telling you now because I want you to know, and I don’t want to say it because it’s my last chance before I lose you. I want you to know now, while it can still mean something. ( mean what? that part he isn’t sure. he doesn’t suspect either of them can go back to the way they were before, the way everything was easy and thoughtless and unfettered. but it could still mean something. something more than loving each other at arms length because neither of them would admit it. )
no subject
that didn’t mean he could just turn off all the emotions left behind. that accepting she was gone meant suddenly everything he’d ever felt for her would disappear. he kept moving, as he always did, though it was a detached existence. from the world, and even from the people he cared about most. )
Seeing you like that, I think it’s the most scared I’ve been since I was a kid. ( with him, but at the same time so far away. hurt, terrified, and the chance that he couldn’t reach her seemed so vast. even once she’d started to calm, that horrible ache lingered, a reminder that couldn’t be pushed aside. ) I don’t know what happens tomorrow, if either of us have much longer here. If next time it isn’t hallucinations but something worse and something real and I can’t protect you from it.
( his hands knot into fists and slowly but surely the calm is seeping away. Matt doesn’t talk about his fears lightly, if at all. it takes a lot to get him to admit them, but finding her on his doorstep tearful and terrified is proof that he is frightened to lose her, even at the uncomfortable distance he’s been enforcing. )
I’m telling you now because I want you to know, and I don’t want to say it because it’s my last chance before I lose you. I want you to know now, while it can still mean something. ( mean what? that part he isn’t sure. he doesn’t suspect either of them can go back to the way they were before, the way everything was easy and thoughtless and unfettered. but it could still mean something. something more than loving each other at arms length because neither of them would admit it. )