(you moved on. he frowns, even as his thumb traces idle easy patterns on her thigh. as far as Matt remembers, he's moved on in that he'd finished his degree, started a practice with Foggy, built a life for himself without her — he doesn't remember being with Karen. not that he'd be particularly surprised, he was attracted desperately to how Karen perceived him, and it was easy to be endeared to someone so adamant about caring about and protecting others. he's had lovers since Elektra, though all rather short lived. never anyone he'd trust enough to admit the darker parts of his life. the only one who had even known about it decided caring about him that deeply was too dangerous because of it.
it takes him a bit to answer. he'd just asked for openness, he needs to offer the same as what he's asking for. it's not easy, when he's so practiced in caging his emotions and his thoughts in his head until they more or less implode. that doesn't mean he's not determined to try. )
When you left. I was convinced you'd come back. Maybe in a week, or a few months, a year... I was so sure. ( it's hard to think back to that time, when he'd nearly flunked out of all his classes, where his entire life was in desperate shambles. on one hand he was deliriously angry with her, trying to force his hand towards something she knew he'd never agree to. for disappearing in the first place. and the other was sure, dementedly certain, that since she loved him and they were two sides of one coin, two halves to one whole... that sooner, or later, she'd be back. ) I kept waiting, but you never did. You knew where I was, you knew how to find me, you just... didn't.
( it's like opening those old wounds to talk about it, and he's sure it won't be particularly enjoyable for her to hear. it's not exactly delightful for him, either. he can hear the fearful flutter in her heartbeat — whether it's the rawness of the question or fear for the answer, he's not sure. )
At some point I decided that you weren't going to. I couldn't live half a life waiting for someone that was never going to come back. ( he curls his hand around one of hers, braced against his chest. the words might sting, but he hopes to temper them with touch. ) But it was like living half a life. Nobody's ever known me like you. Either I couldn't tell them, or... or they didn't want to know. ( the angry rejection of his best friend still stings, no matter how deserved. Matt realizes he's a terrible person and the constant lies are a horrible strain on a relationship if they are to ever unravel... but in the end Foggy's reaction has more or less assured what Matt always assumed. that there are just parts of him, the angry, ugly, dark parts, that nobody would accept.
nobody except the woman that had disappeared like a breath in the wind. )
no subject
it takes him a bit to answer. he'd just asked for openness, he needs to offer the same as what he's asking for. it's not easy, when he's so practiced in caging his emotions and his thoughts in his head until they more or less implode. that doesn't mean he's not determined to try. )
When you left. I was convinced you'd come back. Maybe in a week, or a few months, a year... I was so sure. ( it's hard to think back to that time, when he'd nearly flunked out of all his classes, where his entire life was in desperate shambles. on one hand he was deliriously angry with her, trying to force his hand towards something she knew he'd never agree to. for disappearing in the first place. and the other was sure, dementedly certain, that since she loved him and they were two sides of one coin, two halves to one whole... that sooner, or later, she'd be back. ) I kept waiting, but you never did. You knew where I was, you knew how to find me, you just... didn't.
( it's like opening those old wounds to talk about it, and he's sure it won't be particularly enjoyable for her to hear. it's not exactly delightful for him, either. he can hear the fearful flutter in her heartbeat — whether it's the rawness of the question or fear for the answer, he's not sure. )
At some point I decided that you weren't going to. I couldn't live half a life waiting for someone that was never going to come back. ( he curls his hand around one of hers, braced against his chest. the words might sting, but he hopes to temper them with touch. ) But it was like living half a life. Nobody's ever known me like you. Either I couldn't tell them, or... or they didn't want to know. ( the angry rejection of his best friend still stings, no matter how deserved. Matt realizes he's a terrible person and the constant lies are a horrible strain on a relationship if they are to ever unravel... but in the end Foggy's reaction has more or less assured what Matt always assumed. that there are just parts of him, the angry, ugly, dark parts, that nobody would accept.
nobody except the woman that had disappeared like a breath in the wind. )