( for what it is worth, he's not saying it to upset her. he's not trying to weaponize it, he doesn't really want to hurt her with what she can't change. uncomfortable as it is, it's a part of them now. better to admit it, as ugly as it is, than to hide it. she looks down and he watches her with quiet empty eyes, his thumb running light circles on the inside of her wrist. a note of comfort, for both of them really.
he could protest, insist that if she loved him she could have come anyway, it didn't matter what an old man demanded. in reality, he knows it is not that simple. he's been in the same thrall in the past, even as an adult. as a child he had far less defenses to the demands Stick had placed on him — giving a shit about the old bastard had apparently saved him from being drawn into the madness further. Elektra had never been so lucky. she hadn't seen an option to refuse, he doesn't have to ask her to know. maybe in hindsight she could, though what good could hindsight do them now? it wouldn't change anything but guilt her for things she couldn't change.
he does know what she means, though obviously he can't remember his reaction to it. Elektra mentioned him asking her to leave, though he'd never thought much of it. it sounded like a believable, reasonable reaction. he surely can't remember being dazed and horrified at the blood splayed over both of them, or hear the echoing heartbeat of a teenager slowly fading away next to him. )
I'll never be afraid of you, Elektra. ( and he means that. to be scared of her implies he has some fear that she'll hurt him — physically, anyway. and Matt has never been afraid of that, despite how visceral they both could be during sparring. he's never been afraid Elektra would truly harm him, it's usually his heart that ends up in danger when Elektra is involved. a bruise here or there doesn't matter to him.
that said, he can't discredit her entirely. he knows himself well enough that he can guess how he'd felt, why he'd reacted the way he did. ) I can't tell you I'm not horrified by the lengths you're capable of, but that doesn't mean I can't love you despite it. ( it's certainly not going to make things between them easy, Matt will simply never be okay with killing someone, especially needlessly. that said... ) You said you didn't want to succeed, to push me that far. Don't you think that means something, Elektra? If killing is meaningless, then why would it matter?
( he pauses, measuring what he wants to say. Matt is always thoughtful about what he says, and this conversation especially needs to be spoken well. )
Stick wanted both of us to fight and to kill for his war. You wanted to protect me from that, but there was no one to protect you. ( he'd been coercing her from the second he found her. to be a weapon, to follow his orders, to do as he demanded and to never question it. he convinced her to believe exactly what he wanted, that casualties were just a part of war. Matt doesn't buy that she delights in killing — however, he does buy that she was trained and groomed to be exactly as vicious and ruthless as Stick wanted her to be. that isn't her fault, though as someone who loves her, he wants more for her than that. )
no subject
he could protest, insist that if she loved him she could have come anyway, it didn't matter what an old man demanded. in reality, he knows it is not that simple. he's been in the same thrall in the past, even as an adult. as a child he had far less defenses to the demands Stick had placed on him — giving a shit about the old bastard had apparently saved him from being drawn into the madness further. Elektra had never been so lucky. she hadn't seen an option to refuse, he doesn't have to ask her to know. maybe in hindsight she could, though what good could hindsight do them now? it wouldn't change anything but guilt her for things she couldn't change.
he does know what she means, though obviously he can't remember his reaction to it. Elektra mentioned him asking her to leave, though he'd never thought much of it. it sounded like a believable, reasonable reaction. he surely can't remember being dazed and horrified at the blood splayed over both of them, or hear the echoing heartbeat of a teenager slowly fading away next to him. )
I'll never be afraid of you, Elektra. ( and he means that. to be scared of her implies he has some fear that she'll hurt him — physically, anyway. and Matt has never been afraid of that, despite how visceral they both could be during sparring. he's never been afraid Elektra would truly harm him, it's usually his heart that ends up in danger when Elektra is involved. a bruise here or there doesn't matter to him.
that said, he can't discredit her entirely. he knows himself well enough that he can guess how he'd felt, why he'd reacted the way he did. ) I can't tell you I'm not horrified by the lengths you're capable of, but that doesn't mean I can't love you despite it. ( it's certainly not going to make things between them easy, Matt will simply never be okay with killing someone, especially needlessly. that said... ) You said you didn't want to succeed, to push me that far. Don't you think that means something, Elektra? If killing is meaningless, then why would it matter?
( he pauses, measuring what he wants to say. Matt is always thoughtful about what he says, and this conversation especially needs to be spoken well. )
Stick wanted both of us to fight and to kill for his war. You wanted to protect me from that, but there was no one to protect you. ( he'd been coercing her from the second he found her. to be a weapon, to follow his orders, to do as he demanded and to never question it. he convinced her to believe exactly what he wanted, that casualties were just a part of war. Matt doesn't buy that she delights in killing — however, he does buy that she was trained and groomed to be exactly as vicious and ruthless as Stick wanted her to be. that isn't her fault, though as someone who loves her, he wants more for her than that. )