elektra "hi i'm here to ruin everything" natchios (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ultraviolents) wrote2019-07-31 09:49 pm
ultraviolents) wrote2019-07-31 09:49 pmEntry tags:
inbox | in the night.
to be prettied up later!
ultraviolents) wrote2019-07-31 09:49 pm
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after touching the proof of her scars and having her fall asleep in his arms, there was little point in going back to detachment. touch seemed to help Elektra fight past the hallucinations, and Matt is happy to give her that tether if she needs it. besides, having her close is a comfort to him as much as it is to her. he's felt her coming back to him, piece by piece. even if he could go back and try it again, hide things better, stay more detached... he wouldn't.
sooner or later, though, the unspoken has to be said. the relative peace they've been living in will be broken, they can't just hole up in his cabin forever. and before Elektra leaves him he wants to know.
now seems like a good a time as any. they're not in bed, for once — they're on his dated and dusty couch, Elektra's head in his lap. he's listening to updates on the tablet, the volume quiet enough she probably doesn't even hear it. he'll update her occasionally on something interesting, but really there's not a lot to report. she's quiet and surprisingly complacent to just lay against him, though she seems calm and centered. like her attention is in the moment, with him, not off in her memories or on something in her head. once the last message reels off he turns off the tablet, putting it aside and brushing some hair behind her ear. he's silent for a moment, fingers just lingering behind her ear, before he finally says it. )
Were you ever going to tell me you still love me? ( she's told him everything, extensively. she's detailed a long stretch of memories he never got to live. yet, somehow, that little fact stayed silent, even if she telegraphs it in the way she treats him and the stutter of her heartbeat when he's close. he could be wrong, he's tried to convince himself of that for months. but he doesn't think he is. )
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right now there's silence, both in her head and in his, and all she can see is his space. he hovers above her, listening to the messages on the network, occasionally giving her updates on what's been going on outside of the little world they've built for themselves. her eyes slide close even though she's not tired, just enjoying the relative peace of the moment. and then he asks her his question.
she doesn't respond at first, except to open her eyes and curl her fingers into the fabric of his sweatpants. this is a conversation she hadn't expected to have, that she hadn't wanted to have. she'd convinced herself that she'd be fine if things remained the way they've been, realized that when he'd last seen her alive, he'd thought she'd left him because he'd disappointed her, how much that had hurt him. she hadn't expected things to go further. it doesn't mean she hadn't wanted things to go further, but she wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. and she'd figured that the fact that he hadn't meant that he wasn't going to.
she straightens eventually, looking at him head on, waiting for him to look at her even if he can't see her. this isn't something she wants to do when she can't see his reaction. ]
Were you ever going to tell me you knew?
[ she knows he's able to hear her reactions. she's had some involuntary ones over the past few months that she's sure he's been able to discern the meaning of if he really thought about them. that he hadn't brought it up meant that he had been ignoring them, or so she'd thought. ]
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that he loved her. maybe loved her still, despite everything. that he’d never managed to stop, even as he lived his life alone with grim certainty he’d never see her again. because she chose to leave and she chose to never come back.
he can tell she wants him to look at her, just from her posture. Matt obliges, even though he can’t really look her in the eye. there’s nothing to hide behind, no sunglasses that hide half his face, just a weary and slightly sad smile on his face. )
At first, I told myself I was wrong. The last time I thought you loved me, I was wrong. Why would it be different now? ( he was intentionally cautious, not wanting to fall into the same destructive freefall he had before. ) After... after that, I didn’t want to believe it, so I let myself pretend.
( she’s right, he has more or less ignored plenty of signs. she knows how well he can pick up on her reactions, even ones she doesn’t intend to make. all the more reason he’s curious. ) You knew I could hear it, sense it, but you never said anything.
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he doesn't remember any of that. she'd told him everything, but that's not the same thing as experiencing it and knowing it. so she had been trying not to expect anything, trying to quell her initial instincts to push it, just glad for the fact that he was willing to have her in her life after how he'd remembered her leaving it. she looks down as he talks, her hands twisted in her lap, and when she looks back up her eyes are full, her voice small and raw. ]
You weren't wrong the last time. [ that part is spoken softly, and she swallows before talking again, willing out the breaking. ] And I didn't think it was fair to hold you to something you couldn't remember.
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it'd never really been an if. more a matter of when.
he closes his eyes, a momentary flash of unhappiness, at the simple correction. he'd told himself for years now that she left because she'd never loved him. there's a terrible bitterness to the idea she'd loved him and still left. after enough months, he'd stopped waiting, stopped hoping — because if she'd never loved him anyway, why would she ever have cause to come back? knowing that she loved him once, loved him still, and that she still chose to stay away burns. )
I remember what it's like to love you. ( he may not have lived through everything she did, that's a fact. but not remembering it doesn't really change how he feels about her, either. ) I don't think I ever stopped. ( as much as Matt would have liked to convince himself to the contrary, the proof is in how easily he's fallen back into the same steps. how terrifying he found the concept of losing her all over again. the way it ached to press his palm against the injury that killed her, the one she'd gotten protecting him. hell, the fact her leaving hurt him at all — he's lost so much he expects it, he's numb to it. he wasn't numb to losing Elektra, that's for certain. all of it tells him what he's tried so hard to ignore, and there's just... no ignoring it anymore.
or, more accurately, maybe he just doesn't want to ignore it anymore. )
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and now he's telling her that he hadn't. and that he'd known she hadn't, either. ]
Why now? Why tell me this now?
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that didn’t mean he could just turn off all the emotions left behind. that accepting she was gone meant suddenly everything he’d ever felt for her would disappear. he kept moving, as he always did, though it was a detached existence. from the world, and even from the people he cared about most. )
Seeing you like that, I think it’s the most scared I’ve been since I was a kid. ( with him, but at the same time so far away. hurt, terrified, and the chance that he couldn’t reach her seemed so vast. even once she’d started to calm, that horrible ache lingered, a reminder that couldn’t be pushed aside. ) I don’t know what happens tomorrow, if either of us have much longer here. If next time it isn’t hallucinations but something worse and something real and I can’t protect you from it.
( his hands knot into fists and slowly but surely the calm is seeping away. Matt doesn’t talk about his fears lightly, if at all. it takes a lot to get him to admit them, but finding her on his doorstep tearful and terrified is proof that he is frightened to lose her, even at the uncomfortable distance he’s been enforcing. )
I’m telling you now because I want you to know, and I don’t want to say it because it’s my last chance before I lose you. I want you to know now, while it can still mean something. ( mean what? that part he isn’t sure. he doesn’t suspect either of them can go back to the way they were before, the way everything was easy and thoughtless and unfettered. but it could still mean something. something more than loving each other at arms length because neither of them would admit it. )
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but he's right. what they'd just been through is proof of that. they've been given a second chance here, and they're living on borrowed time.
she shifts closer to him, her knees curled by his lap, hand reaching out to frame his jaw as she turns him slightly to face her, leaning in close. her voice sounds impossibly soft as she speaks, so unlike how she usually sounds. so vulnerable. ]
It means something.
[ and then she closes the distance, slowly, with enough time for him to stop her if he decides this is a step too far. if he doesn't, her lips are going to find his, kissing him lightly, the tip of her tongue darting out to taste his mouth. ]
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because while admittedly he can't say the ugly parts of their past don't still hurt, he can say that they aren't worth living the rest of his afterlife holding her at arms length.
it's true, her voice is nearly a whisper, barely more than a breath. he wasn't asking for touch or comfort, though that's what she offers, and he doesn't shy away from it. it doesn't even feel that sudden or unusual when they've been so close, even without a definition, for the past few days. he doesn't fight her, in fact after she hazards a kiss he just pulls her back into his arms and into his lap. if Elektra's worried he intends to be cagey about affection, she probably doesn't need to be.
the kiss is simple, more emotional than physical. less leading and more expressive, and yet if it lasted a lifetime it'd still have ended too soon. he rubs his hand at her upper arm, keeping his forehead pressed to hers as he wonders, ) What do you want it to mean? ( Matt is very far from confident about this, either. all he knows is that he isn't willing to waste what opportunity they have, even if things are bound to be different than they were before. they never had to ask questions like this before, now they feel necessary. )
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Whatever it means. I love you. [ he knew that, but she thinks he wants her to say it. ] What does it mean for you?
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Matt is used to losing people he loves. he just hopes that whatever their end is, they find it together. she won't be throwing herself in front of a blade for him again any time soon, he's really going to have to watch her around sharp objects from here on out. dying for him once is really enough! )
It means I want to be with you. Whatever happens next, however it ends, I want to do it together. ( the sentiment is sweet and sad all at once, but he means it. he unwinds one of his arms to leave it free to just ... ambiently touch her. he's touched her off and on since they'd found each other here, though he'd never felt free enough to touch her like this. nothing particularly romantic, just his fingertips gingerly running over every line and angle like he's trying to memorize them — reacquaint himself, is more accurate. Matt's senses do a lot for him, though his sense of touch is just as heightened and it's the one sense he generally keeps to himself. it means a lot to be able to just touch her again. ) I'm not sure how this will work, after everything, but that I know.
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I want that, too. [ it's all she's wanted, since they'd gotten here and before dying. she won't bring up a promise he doesn't remember making, but it echoes in her head all the same. ] However we can make it work, I want to try.
i feel like a monster for this but i don't have kiss icons for them yet
the smile he gives her this time is a little less heartbreaking. he's slowly thawing to the moment, despite the misery that prompted it. ) Then we'll try. ( it's what both of them want, and now that they've both admitted it, there's no reason to shy from the fact or pretend otherwise. he nuzzles toward her for a moment, like a needy cat demanding affection, before kissing her. no more heated than the last time — Matt just enjoys that he can. )
omg this betrayal
Okay.
[ he kisses her then, tipping her face towards his to do it, and she returns it eagerly but with no less reverence and softness. it doesn't need to lead anywhere but where it is (although she wouldn't mind that), she's content just to be with him like this. ]
meanwhile you out here using kissies against me smh
he’d honestly been reeling from it a bit, before she stumbled her way to his door terrified she was bleeding to death. reality had done plenty to shake him of the hallucinations.
if he is hallucinating, well, this is about the only hallucination Matt is happy to indulge in. for a long few moments he just enjoys kissing her, while he lets his hands stroke at her sides, reliving the taste of her mouth. he doesn’t pull back far to talk, just lingering a breath away. )
I missed this. ( holding her. touching her. kissing her. it’s a little depressing he’s been missing her for years, and despite plenty of opportunity it’d taken him months to convince himself to allow closeness again. )
i ain't done yet either :*
So did I. [ it's muttered a little breathlessly against his mouth, following his own confession, and her hands run back and forth over the broad expanse of his shoulders, heartbeat thudding steadily inches away from his own. they've touched since arriving, since her confessions of everything that had happened in the years since she'd left him and the time when she'd come back. they'd sparred, tended to each other, huddled close for warmth, but this is something different, an intimacy she's longed for, one she'd only ever found with him. ]
A MONSTER!!!
she's right, that this is very unlike the touches they'd allowed themselves before. there'd been some underlaying tension to it, the itch for more and the refusal to entertain it. especially sparring, why on earth had he ever thought that was a good idea? pressing her against the mat (or having her lay him flat and climbing on top of him to pin him there, victorious) only sparked memories of a time when sparring together had usually ended in sex. and sometimes quite abruptly.
the rest had been a different kind of closeness, maybe a closeness they hadn't had much of a chance to indulge in before disaster — they'd been high on life and each other, both, there hadn't been many wounds to care after that they hadn't made themselves. no emotional or mental torment that they needed to escape. they'd truthfully leaned on each other more in Beacon than they had in their wild past... apparently it'd been a part of their relationship after her return, he just doesn't remember the intricacies of it. he knows them now, because for all Elektra tried to hide her feelings, she'd never managed to hide when she was concerned about him. she fell back into tracks that were familiar for her, ones he couldn't remember, though he certainly connects with it now.
it makes the simple kisses feel a little deeper, truth be told. )
I don't want to miss you anymore. ( it's part of what spurred him to press in the first place, when arguably it was wiser and safer to keep pretending. he leans back a little, a slight frown playing at his face as he stares at her with empty eyes. he hates his blindness most in moments like this. ) What you're feeling, what you're thinking... you don't have to hold it back. I want to know.
THAT'S MEEEEEEE
she falters a little, eyes canting to the side, landing on his shoulder. she anchors herself to him, hands bracing on them. she doesn't know if she wants to do this, but it doesn't feel fair not to. ]
I - [ she forces herself to look back at him, drawing in a breath before continuing. ] - I didn't think you'd want me. You moved on, back home. I thought you'd want to here, too.
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it takes him a bit to answer. he'd just asked for openness, he needs to offer the same as what he's asking for. it's not easy, when he's so practiced in caging his emotions and his thoughts in his head until they more or less implode. that doesn't mean he's not determined to try. )
When you left. I was convinced you'd come back. Maybe in a week, or a few months, a year... I was so sure. ( it's hard to think back to that time, when he'd nearly flunked out of all his classes, where his entire life was in desperate shambles. on one hand he was deliriously angry with her, trying to force his hand towards something she knew he'd never agree to. for disappearing in the first place. and the other was sure, dementedly certain, that since she loved him and they were two sides of one coin, two halves to one whole... that sooner, or later, she'd be back. ) I kept waiting, but you never did. You knew where I was, you knew how to find me, you just... didn't.
( it's like opening those old wounds to talk about it, and he's sure it won't be particularly enjoyable for her to hear. it's not exactly delightful for him, either. he can hear the fearful flutter in her heartbeat — whether it's the rawness of the question or fear for the answer, he's not sure. )
At some point I decided that you weren't going to. I couldn't live half a life waiting for someone that was never going to come back. ( he curls his hand around one of hers, braced against his chest. the words might sting, but he hopes to temper them with touch. ) But it was like living half a life. Nobody's ever known me like you. Either I couldn't tell them, or... or they didn't want to know. ( the angry rejection of his best friend still stings, no matter how deserved. Matt realizes he's a terrible person and the constant lies are a horrible strain on a relationship if they are to ever unravel... but in the end Foggy's reaction has more or less assured what Matt always assumed. that there are just parts of him, the angry, ugly, dark parts, that nobody would accept.
nobody except the woman that had disappeared like a breath in the wind. )
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He would have made me keep trying. [ stick, that is, and she looks back up into his face, her voice a little clearer as she starts to relay why she hadn't returned, even though she'd wanted to. ] He kept wanting to send me back to you, but I didn't - I didn't want to succeed in what I'd been assigned to do.
[ she'd seen what even the idea of killing the man who'd murdered his father had done to him, how it would have shattered him. she hadn't wanted to do that to him. ]
And when I - when you were attacked. [ he should know what she's referring to, when she'd killed that would-be assassin, quickly and without mercy. ] You were horrified at me. Scared of me.
[ and maybe things had changed between then and their fight on the rooftop, but that memory and the hurt associated with it hadn't disappeared. ]
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he could protest, insist that if she loved him she could have come anyway, it didn't matter what an old man demanded. in reality, he knows it is not that simple. he's been in the same thrall in the past, even as an adult. as a child he had far less defenses to the demands Stick had placed on him — giving a shit about the old bastard had apparently saved him from being drawn into the madness further. Elektra had never been so lucky. she hadn't seen an option to refuse, he doesn't have to ask her to know. maybe in hindsight she could, though what good could hindsight do them now? it wouldn't change anything but guilt her for things she couldn't change.
he does know what she means, though obviously he can't remember his reaction to it. Elektra mentioned him asking her to leave, though he'd never thought much of it. it sounded like a believable, reasonable reaction. he surely can't remember being dazed and horrified at the blood splayed over both of them, or hear the echoing heartbeat of a teenager slowly fading away next to him. )
I'll never be afraid of you, Elektra. ( and he means that. to be scared of her implies he has some fear that she'll hurt him — physically, anyway. and Matt has never been afraid of that, despite how visceral they both could be during sparring. he's never been afraid Elektra would truly harm him, it's usually his heart that ends up in danger when Elektra is involved. a bruise here or there doesn't matter to him.
that said, he can't discredit her entirely. he knows himself well enough that he can guess how he'd felt, why he'd reacted the way he did. ) I can't tell you I'm not horrified by the lengths you're capable of, but that doesn't mean I can't love you despite it. ( it's certainly not going to make things between them easy, Matt will simply never be okay with killing someone, especially needlessly. that said... ) You said you didn't want to succeed, to push me that far. Don't you think that means something, Elektra? If killing is meaningless, then why would it matter?
( he pauses, measuring what he wants to say. Matt is always thoughtful about what he says, and this conversation especially needs to be spoken well. )
Stick wanted both of us to fight and to kill for his war. You wanted to protect me from that, but there was no one to protect you. ( he'd been coercing her from the second he found her. to be a weapon, to follow his orders, to do as he demanded and to never question it. he convinced her to believe exactly what he wanted, that casualties were just a part of war. Matt doesn't buy that she delights in killing — however, he does buy that she was trained and groomed to be exactly as vicious and ruthless as Stick wanted her to be. that isn't her fault, though as someone who loves her, he wants more for her than that. )
now who's using icons against who!!!
her heart starts beating a little faster when he says he can love her in spite of the lines she's willing to cross, the ones she'd tried to keep him from crossing himself, and she looks into his eyes in spite of knowing he can't look back into hers. this is what she'd feared, when it really came down to it, part of why she hadn't told him about how she's been feeling. she hadn't known if he could return the feelings simply knowing what they'd been through together instead of living through it.
he brings up that there was no one to protect her from stick's influence on her, and she'd known that already, but hearing him confirm it is significant in a way she hadn't expected. he doesn't know the full extent of it - how he'd found her as a child, barely out of infancy, in a village among hundreds of the dead, including her mother. he'd provided her with care and shelter, but had really been grooming her as a warrior for his own selfish needs, for control and for an army. and then had tried to snuff her out once she'd finally walked away. ]
Except for you. [ a tiny smile curves her mouth as one hand comes to frame his face again. ] You were the first one who thought I could be something more.
at some point i'll torture you worse consider this a promise
it's a story for another time. despite the fact they're both sad orphans, neither had really detailed it much. Elektra knew about his father and the details of how he died, but little about the years he'd spent in the orphanage. he had fairly little perspective on her life outside of her rich adoptive parents, ones that they'd barely bothered discussing.
he's not sure he'd agree that he's ever protected her. he's felt proof of the fact that he hasn't — Matt doesn't remember and never lived watching her cut down on a rooftop, and yet the proof of her scar under his touch makes it real enough. he hadn't protected her from Stick and he hand't protected her from the Hand. there's probably plenty in Beacon he can't protect her from, either, and it's not a fact he's particularly happy to accept.
the one thing they can agree on, though, is that he wants more for her than to be turned into someone's weapon. he leans toward her touch, and then forward, pressing his forehead against hers. ) You are more. ( he's determined to believe that — he hopes she believes it, too. )
BRING IT ON (fight to the finish)
he knows this, but she's sure he'd have his arguments about whether or not he'd actually done anything for her and she doesn't feel like arguing that he had anymore. she doesn't feel like talking about any of this anymore, she just wants them to allow themselves to enjoy this moment, to really feel it.
her hand moves to the back of his skull, fingertips carding lightly through his hair before she pulls him closer, close enough to kiss. which she does. ]
WHO WILL WIN??? ? ? (it's not like i can cheat and make more as i go)
he can't do anything about what happened to her then. honestly there's not terribly much he can do to keep Elektra safe now. perhaps a part of accepting this requires he accept the inevitabilities. he doesn't have to like them, and he isn't ever likely to. still, knowing what can't be changed only seems to push the point that they take advantage of what they have. it won't be easy, and it'll never be perfect. it's still endlessly better than the loneliness both of them know too well. it's a far cry better than wanting more and refusing to let himself, because of the pain that will eventually find them.
it's worth the pain.
her nails hint at her scalp as her fingers pull through his hair. it's longer than he usually keeps it — easier to dishevel, Elektra is like to find. Matt likes the slight pull in his hair as she kisses him again, a little whisper of demand and possession that he has always liked, maybe more than he should. it pulls somewhere deeper, darker, a place words can't reach. not even someone as gifted at words as Matthew Murdock. it makes his response a little more urgent, maybe almost despite himself. Matt likes control, and nobody has ever managed to dissolve his restraint like Elektra. he kisses her back and allows himself to pull her closer. )
WELL THAT ONE JUST HAD YOU LEAPING AHEAD
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